Here you’ll find answers to some common questions concerning behaviour concerns.
All advice given has been adapted from the Triple P Parenting Programme. Find out about Triple P – Triple P
Parenthood can be a rewarding and enjoyable experience, but it can also be demanding, frustrating and exhausting. Each child is different and none come with a manual on the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to parent them. As parents, we have to make a decision as to which values and morals we would like them to learn and how we can guide our children to achieving them.
Children and young people who display difficult behaviour within the family home can leave parents and carers feeling frustrated and exhausted. At their education setting, you talk to staff members who say, ‘They don’t behave like that at school.’ Or ‘They’re as good as gold when they’re here!’ This can further add to our frustrations and often leave us feeling like we aren’t doing a good job at being a parent.
The good news is, there are some steps that we can take to make positive improvements to our children’s behaviour at home, by taking some simple steps.
Disclaimer: Although the literature does not state that this intervention is aimed at or excludes a particular group of children, evidence suggests that it has better outcomes with children who are/ will be attending mainstream education settings.
Top tips if you have any concerns about your child’s behaviour:
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If you haven’t already found the help you’re looking for, you can find additional information and services which are more interactive here.
It is important to keep track of their behaviours because it allows us to see which behaviours are becoming or causing a problem. It also helps to see how you respond to your child’s behaviour; find patterns in when and why certain behaviours occur, and helps to see if things are improving over time.
You can keep track of behaviours by using a simple behaviour diary each day. An example is below:
Hopefully rules, a behaviour chart and praise will assist you in managing misbehaviour in the home. Children naturally want to do their best and collecting stickers for behaving well is a great way to praise your child for each day that they follow the rules.
However, if you have introduced your house rules and a behaviour chart, but your child is continuing to behave in an undesirable way, then consistent, directed discussion is a good way to remind your child of the rules and then practicing the correct way to behave. Follow the points below:
An example of how this could look in practice, is below:
‘’James, you just ran through the house. You could hurt yourself or someone else. What is our rule about moving inside the house? (Give time for your child to respond)
Yes, that’s right! Walk inside the house. Now show me the right way to move inside the house. Go back to the kitchen and start again (Give your child time to perform the action).
That’s a lot safer, James! I like it when you walk in the house.’’
Children need to know what behaviour is expected of them. This could be the simple difference between their behaviour at school and their behaviour at home. It is a good idea to involve the child/ children in the rule making process. The child is likely to respond better to rules if they have had a say in their creation!
Another important thing to remember is to word your rules in a positive way. Rules should instruct children on what to do, rather than what not to do. For example, instead of ‘Don’t hit and kick’, use ‘Have kind hands and kind feet’. Another example is instead of saying ‘Don’t run inside the house’, use ‘Walk inside the house’.
Some more tips to bear in mind are that rules should be:
You may wish to introduce sanctions for mild problem behaviours. Remember that a sanction must be proportionate to the situation. Remove the activity or toy that appears to be the cause of the problem. The first time a problem behaviour occurs and you remove an activity/ toy, choose a length of time of between 5 and 15 minutes, making it clear that the next time the problem occurs within the same day, you will remove it for longer. Remember the following steps:
A behaviour chart is an excellent way to give your child that extra bit of encouragement they may need to change a behaviour or complete a new task. A chart should be used to encourage children to change any problem behaviours that you discovered when you completed the behaviour diary in Step 1. You can use stickers, stamps or draw smiley faces to show your child that you like their behaviour. Your child will feel rewarded for good behaviour, which will also make them feel good about themselves.
You can encourage your child further by offering a reward for achieving a pre-set amount of stickers/ stamps etc. These can be simple rewards such as, choosing which film to watch, having a picnic or sharing some special time with a parent. They do not have to be expensive or extravagant. Again, it is a good idea to ask your child what kind of rewards they would like and work with their ideas (within reason). Below is an example of a behaviour chart which was used to encourage a child to stop hitting their siblings.
Be alert to good behaviours your child displays and remember to praise them when you notice they are behaving in the desired way. This may be a quick acknowledgement, such as ‘Well done!’, ‘Good girl’, ‘That’s great!’ or a statement that tells your child exactly what you like. For example, ‘I like it when you walk inside the house.’
Quiet time is a good way to help children learn acceptable behaviour. When your child does not follow rules or instructions, quiet time involves having your child sit quietly, without activity, for a short time. This should be in the same room as the problem occurred. Older children can sit on the floor or on a chair, where toddlers could be put into a playpen or similar. Short lengths of quiet time are usually more effective than longer ones. A maximum of 5 minutes should be used for children aged between 5 and 11. Follow the steps below:
An example of how this works in practice is below:
‘’Joshua, you have not stopped hitting your sister. What is our rule about using kind hands?… You have not used kind hands and now you need to have quiet time for 3 minutes. Remember you need to be quiet for 3 minutes “ (Allow quiet time to complete here).
“Your quiet time is over, now go and use kind hands when you play with your sister.’’
Talk to someone you trust, this could be a parent, teacher, teaching assistant, mentor or any other trusted adult. Tell them what’s happening and how it is making you feel. If you don’t feel like you can do that, you could talk to friends or call an organisation like Childline on 0800 11 11 or visit childline.org.uk. If you are being targeted online, report it using the “report abuse” button on the app or website.